We have made it to the Full Moon in Libra and it had been one hell of a ride. The past month has been emotionally exhausting, but along with healing, it brought about a beautiful spiritual revolution.
My loving Grandma Cecile Jones had gotten sick in mid-September and needed to be hospitalized. At the time she was living in the old folks' home, which was also on lock-down because of Covid. As scared as I was to see her in the hospital, I was also so grateful to hold her hand again, see her face to face, look into her eyes, and hear her voice. It was a bittersweet miracle. My family and I were in a state of crisis, in survival mode, constantly on alert and barely getting any sleep. She was with us for an amazing but sad 2.5 weeks until she passed. She told me a beautiful story about prayer's and asked me if I knew my prayers, which I replied yes. She told me, "good girl, you know your prayers". <3 <3 <3
After a few days of Grandma being in the hospital, a flashback that was brought upon I by the crack in my door triggered me. I had written a post about it on my personal Facebook page. I couldn't understand why I kept feeling like I was suppressing something, because there was no physical evidence in my surroundings that something was wrong. But it finally clicked. My awareness brought about this flashback I was suppressing. I'll post a screenshot of the post so you can read about the crack in the door, which is a story of my last suicide attempt in 2017 during my last devastating relapse. I wrote more about it, which helped to heal the wounds that came up for me during this time. They say, "you're only as sick as your secrets", and these secrets were dark.
About half way through her hospital stay, I had started a new online program, the Professional Counselling Program with Rhodes Wellness College. It is a part of the Indigenous Counselling Initiative that the Dene Wellness Warriors started. It is a true honour to be a part of this group and learning so many valuable skills. It was a tough first couple of weeks though; I persevered. My self-care was dwindling, which also meant my mental health was declining.
Then another old wound surfaced, a trust wound. This wasn't anything new, but it was frustrating because I thought I had dealt with this bastard already. But once again, grateful that I investigate this one out. This is when I learned that when I am in a state of crisis, my self-esteem can take an enormous hit. I started feeling insecure in myself, and that was when the darker energies came in to fuck with my mind. And I fell for it. I started feeling like my partner was cheating on me; which was a fear of mine for many years. It all stemmed from childhood coupled with the repeated breaches of my personal boundaries, accumulated into one giant ball of trust wounds. Cheating partners, professional counsellors breaching their ethics and morals, fearing repercussions of speaking my truth because it might harm someone else. Only added fuel to an already smoldering internal fire.
One by one, I had to heal myself through this, through mothering my inner child with unconditional love and compassion. Once I could get myself back to center after days of self-care and self-affirmations, I could begin working on my business again. Truly, this business is my passion and everything that I have created since the beginning has been done with my whole heart.
The biggest lesson in all of this is realizing where I am putting my focus and my energy. Are the things I am investing my time and energy into being reciprocated? If not, it is time to re-evaluate and re-adjust. It is such a blessing to be working so closely with the Divine with this work and grateful to be alive today. Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here. I love you. <3