One of the biggest challenges that I've had to face while in recovery is battling and coming to terms with perfectionism. It slowly eats away at any self-esteem that was diligently cultivated over the years, months, or days; and poof, gone. Setting a new goal can sometimes trigger the perfectionism within me, trying so hard to attain this goal through self-blaming and shaming, not realizing that I'm only doing myself a huge disservice.
Does this thought empower me?
Or does it disempower me?
Some of you might remember those questions from my "Dismantling the Black & White Thinking" video. If you haven't checked it out yet, you can find it here.
When working with character defects, or personality flaws, blaming and shaming aren't going to do the trick, especially in the long-term. My 12-step recovery program teaches me that it's my obsession to use drugs, food, cigarettes, that drives me to act impulsively. Including my craving tonight for a juicy burger and fries. I had the money, and Door Dash would be so easy to get it delivered in this cold ass weather.
But I caught myself, knowing that I was acting out from a place of tiredness, loneliness and acting on old habits.
I haven't fully committed to a healthy exercise routing and a diet...yet. But I've been slowly paving the way mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically to get the job done.
I've done it a few years ago, and I know that I can do it again.
But I need to stay vigilant and compassionate when that ugly head of perfectionism comes up inside of me.
Discipline doesn't mean destruction. But empowerment through intentional and decisive action. Even if there's a slip, knowing that which lines (boundaries) need to be strengthened, and which lines are just not necessary to the end goal.
The end goal? To get healthy again physically, as when doing intense spiritual or emotional work, I often will lean on food to help comfort me and get me through hard times. Which it has, but I've also learned that I have been hiding behind food. And hiding behind gaining weight (although I still look and feel delicious!), I value being in shape, having endurance, and a sick routine that I can lean on when things get tough. As they do in life.
But this will be a gentle reminder to me and to you, that perfectionism is a bullshit lie. That was spoonfed to us by multi-billion dollar companies who feed off your misery and forever chasing the dangling carrot of capitalism. Plus, the only things in this world that are perfect, is God's creations, as you see in nature and sacred geometry. We are also part of that sacred creation, and our bodies, minds and spirits are innately perfect....so what is the need for such harsh judgements and contortions of our natural state?
Today, I have sovereignty over my life, my choices and my body. And I take full accountability for what I put into my body, how much rest I get, and prioritizing self-compassion over self-annihilation; because I'm choosing to embark on this new journey for good health, joy and peace.
And I deserve that, and so do you.
Love you fam squad